Why You Keep Repeating the Same Relationship Patterns and How to Break the Cycle for Good
The Real Reason You Keep Repeating the Same Patterns in Relationships—And How to Finally Break the Cycle
After another fight with your partner where old wounds were triggered, you might find yourself asking, “Will I ever create the fulfilling relationship I desire?” You may already know your attachment style, childhood trauma, and family dynamics. Yet, despite this awareness, your push-pull dynamics, fear of rejection, and abandonment anxieties still seem to run the show.
Awareness Isn’t Always Enough
While understanding your relational patterns is essential, conscious awareness alone often isn’t enough. Our deepest relational patterns are governed by parts of ourselves we don’t see—the “shadow.” These shadow aspects are formed in early childhood as coping mechanisms to secure love from our caregivers. These patterns are stored deeply in our nervous system, often surfacing when we feel vulnerable in relationships.
What Is the Shadow Self?
Our shadow contains repressed qualities that we hid from our caregivers to feel safe and loved. These aren’t just negative traits like anger; they can include positive parts of ourselves, like curiosity or assertiveness, that we learned were “unlovable.” For example, if you were discouraged from expressing sadness, you might have repressed this part of yourself. As an adult, this unexpressed side may resurface in subtle ways, affecting how you relate to your partner.
How Unresolved Shadows Affect Relationships
These hidden parts can sabotage relationships in many ways:
Fear of Rejection: You may seek constant approval from your partner, stifling your true needs.
Push-Pull Dynamics: Fears of abandonment can cause cycles of emotional closeness and withdrawal.
While these patterns might not serve us now, they remain in place because they protect us from revisiting old wounds. At the core of these shadows often lies a fundamental fear: What if, after all, we are unlovable?
Why Somatic Work Is Key
Our childhood brain absorbs experiences through emotions and sensations rather than logic. Since these patterns are embedded in our nervous system, shifting them requires accessing this sensory-driven part of the brain. This is why talk therapy alone doesn’t always reach these deep-seated relational patterns. Somatic or body-based approaches, which engage the nervous system directly, can be transformative.
Somatic Techniques to Break the Cycle
Here are several somatic techniques that can help you release old relational patterns:
Nervous System Regulation
Practices like grounding exercises, deep breathing, and mindful movement build resilience in your nervous system, giving you the space to respond rather than react in your relationships.Shadow Work
Shadow work involves exploring repressed parts of yourself, helping you bring hidden fears and needs to light. By working with a therapist, you can integrate these parts, reducing their unconscious influence on your relationships.Vagus Nerve Stimulation
Techniques like humming or making the “Voo” sound can stimulate the vagus nerve, which activates the body’s relaxation response. This practice helps calm the nervous system and reduces emotional reactivity.Tracking and Sensing
Tracking sensations in the body builds a bridge between your conscious and unconscious. By bringing awareness to how you feel physically, you can gently process and release stored emotions, creating more freedom in your relationships.
Building Safe and Fulfilling Connections
By integrating these somatic approaches, you can break deeply ingrained patterns and create the foundation for safe, connected relationships. When we address the body’s needs and release repressed emotions, we allow unconscious material to surface in a safe, manageable way. This leads to true transformation and the ability to form meaningful, lasting connections.
Ready to Dive Deeper?
If you’re looking to explore the connection between complex trauma, relational patterns, and physical symptoms, consider my 1:1 program, Art of Connection. This program provides a safe, personalized space to work with somatic practices, nervous system regulation, and trauma healing, helping you move from repetitive patterns to authentic, fulfilling relationships.
